stories

These stories are part of a collection, Empty Pinata and Other Tales of Woe. Most of them have been published in various literary journals and magazines.

THE ARMAGEDDON NEWS

It’s the end of the world, but the evening news blithely continues.

EMPTY PIñATA

Coming Soon:
A jaded fifth grade teacher relates his hopeless views to his students.

FAT CHANCE

Fueled by circus peanuts and other snacks, a five hundred pound man wins the New York City Marathon.

FIVE OTHER HITLERS

What if der Fuhrer hadn’t been such a nasty, totalitarian-minded jerk?

E GLADIATORES

A fanny pack wearing performer from ‘American Gladiators’ time travels to ancient Rome, where he battles a real gladiator.

HELPING HAND

The Hamburger Helper Helping Hand comes to life and stalks the pompous adman who created him.

THE MILE-LONG HOT DOG

Bored researchers in a processed meat lab scheme to create the world’s longest frankfurter.

MISSION TO MARS

After Earth has been conquered by the fast food giant, McDonald’s colonizes the red planet.

MRS. CURLY

A young girl learns that the man she’s just married is not a serious actor, but a member of the Three Stooges.

NEW SWEATS

Having outgrown her old sweats, a woman buys a pair of new sweats.

OF MOOSE AND MEN

Bestial, interspecies love occurs when a hunter accidentally spills moose attractant on himself.

REVENGE OF THE MANATEES

Sure, they’re docile, friendly and endangered. But not today.

STING SHITS HIS PANTS

Celebrity genuflects to biology at a Manhattan recording studio.

WHEN TWO MEN TOUCHED FEET

An accidental bumping of feet destroys a friendship forever.